Hello.

I write letters to those I feel deserve them.

Cracked.com

Dear Cracked.com,

Your productivity articles really make the work day go by fast.

Love,

Paul

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Virginity

Dear Virginity,

They said everything you lost was always in the last place you put it. I suppose that’s only true to a certain extent.

Love,

Paul

Denmark

Dear Denmark,

Thank you for inventing Legos. Is everything in your country made of them?

Love,

Paul

P.S. Thanks for reading, Gabfrab

Food

Dear Food,

You’re so good to me, but I feel bad that I only give you shit in return.

Love,

Paul

Walgreens

Dear Walgreens,

It’s nice to see that corporations can still have a sense of humor. I am, of course, referring to the fact that your diaper section is located right next to the condoms.

Love,

Paul

Italian Men

Dear Italian Men,

You do know that your shirts button up past your belly, right?

Love,

Paul

Fox News

Dear Fox News,

Thanks for being the new Comedy Central.

Love,
Paul

Neighbors #2

Dear Neighbors,

Why the hell are you mowing your lawn? It’s eleven fucking forty-five at night.

Love,
Paul

HOA

Dear HOA,

Who sends a compliance letter out on April Fool’s Day? I mean, really. Is this a ruse?

Love,
Paul

BMW

Dear BMW,

How about making a car with working blinkers?

Love,

Paul