Hello.

I write letters to those I feel deserve them.

Month: March, 2013

Skinny Fries

Dear Skinny Fries,

And they said irony was more than in a name. I can’t quit you and it’s starting to show.

Love,
Paul

Starbucks

Dear Starbucks,

Because when I ordered a hot tea, I meant that I wanted a beverage warm enough to scald my uvula.

 

Love,

Paul

Apple

Dear Apple,

Now that you’ve proven any shmuck with a tablet can be a musician and film maker, you should probably take it a step further and invent the CSiPod.

Love,
Paul

Neighbors

Dear Neighbors,

Oh my god, why are you so fucking rude to me for no reason?

Love,
Paul

Other Half

Dear Other Half,

No matter what anybody says, I’m the better one.

Love,

Paul

Marty McFly

Dear Marty Mcfly,

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Love,
Paul

Browsing History

Dear Browsing History,

Despite how many times I clear you, my conscience will never be as such.

Love,
Paul

Mom

Dear Mother,

I haven’t hit a woman before, but if I did, you’d be the first to find out.

Love,
Paul

Vulgarity

Dear Vulgarity,

Thanks for being a means to an end.

Love,
Paul

People in my Immediate Vicinity

Dear People in my Immediate Vicinity,

My give-a-shit’s broken, so quit tripping.

Love,
Paul