Hello.

I write letters to those I feel deserve them.

Month: March, 2012

Stress

Dear Stress,

I’m freakin’ out, I’m freakin out, I’m freaking out, I’m freeeeakin out.

Love,
Paul

Gentlemen

Dear Gentlemen,

Have the decency to flush the toilet. You’re a grown man, for fuck’s sake.

Love,
Paul

Contact

Dear Contact,

Two and a half hours of putting up with Gary Busey Jr. and this is the alien you give me?

Love,
Paul

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Huh

Dave Grohl

Dear Dave Grohl,

You’re a great musician and I love you, but pick a fucking band already.

Love,
Paul

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Huh

Gambling

Dear Gambling,

Twenty bucks says I can give you up.

Love,
Paul

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Huh

Walmart

Dear Walmart,

Every time you roll back prices 5 cents I want to punch a toddler.

Love,
Paul

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Huh

Winter

Dear Winter,

Thanks for making me fat and killing my sex drive. ‘preciate it.

Love,
Paul

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Health Food

Dear Health Food,

Why would I want to put you in my body? Gross. Besides, I already have the body of a god (Buddha).

Love,
Paul

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Reggaeton

Dear Reggaeton,

Thanks to you, Bob Marley is rolling in his grave. Oh, and putting the same beat into every song does not constitute good music.

Love,
Paul

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SyFy

Dear SyFy,

Thanks for showing the world that anybody with a ridiculous enough premise can have their own movies. See you soon.

Love,
Paul

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