Hello.

I write letters to those I feel deserve them.

Month: February, 2012

Vampires

Dear Vampires,

Bite me.

Love,
Paul

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Winking

Dear Winking,

Knock it off. It doesn’t matter whether you’re coming from an acquaintance or a complete stranger, you’re creepy as hell.

Love,
Paul

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Renee Zellweger

Dear Renee Zellweger,

Knock it off. It doesn’t matter whether you’re in a classic or a completely new movie, you’re fugly as hell.

Love,
Paul

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Dr. Seuss

Dear Dr. Seuss,

I fell on my whoozit and broke my whatzit. I’m pretty sure you’re not a real medical doctor, so I don’t know why I’m telling you. Also, you’re dead, so even if you were one it’d still be no help to me.

Love,
Paul

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Baseball

Dear Baseball,

You’re lazier than the average American. It must be real tiresome to run for just a little bit and then stop while you wait for your teammate to stand still and swing at a ball. Seriously, kids who play freeze tag are getting more of a workout.

Love,
Paul

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Vacation

Dear Vacation,

How dare you let me go away for a few days without telling anybody? They could have really missed me, you know.

Love,
Paul

P.S. I can’t stay mad at you. Let’s do it again some time, k?

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Collections Agency

Dear Collections Agency,

Go fuck your fucking self. Thanks for all the reminders.

Love,
Paul

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Procrastination

Dear Procrastination,

I’ve been meaning to write to you for so long.

Love,
Paul

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Corporate America

Dear Corporate America,

Thanks for making me choose between having a job and having my first amendment rights.

Love,
Paul

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Society

Dear Society,

Quit pretending you are something else. We are all racist, politically incorrect, selfish assholes. The sooner we admit it the better life will be.

Love,
Paul

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